Soapwatch: JACI STEPHEN’S ultimate insight into this week’s soaps

Despite the law’s insistence that a suspect is ‘innocent until proven guilty’, in soapland the opposite is true. If the police take you in for questioning, then you are guilty by association; if they lock you up, expect to be eating Christmas dinner behind bars.

Soapland’s police always assume the worst. In EastEnders, it’s a given that if the Ol’ Bill have Phil on their radar, he can expect to be down the station quicker than you can say, ‘Guilty, m’lud’. 

It’s the same with Emmerdale’s Cain. In both cases, they’re invariably guilty by virtue of past form; but even when they’re not, they’d best be on the safe side by packing an overnight bag for a vacation in a cell.

It’s not only cops who presume guilt; the locals, too, are quick to jump to conclusions. 

In last night’s Corrie, Tyrone sympathised with Geoff, saying he’d also been a victim of domestic violence and therefore knew what Geoff was going through. 

Geoff’s response was to give him and Fiz their Speed Daal meal on the house. Thankfully, not everyone is convinced, and Sally’s on the case. That’s OK, she can afford her own poppadoms.

CORONATION STREET: THE LONG GOODBYE

Geoff is intent on winning his wife back and tells the police (pictured) he want to drop all charges in this week’s Coronation Street

You think it’s all over? It isn’t yet. Now that Geoff has contacted Yasmeen on Alya’s phone, he’s intent on winning his wife back and tells the cops he wants to drop all charges. 

It’s up to the CPS, but will Yasmeen weaken, believing Geoff is a changed man? It’s questionable whether leopards can change their spots, but Geoff can’t even change his cap.

It’s July! His brain is going to fry under that hat long before the trial. And how many more encounters between Alya and Geoff can the show take? Forget Groundhog Day; it’s turning into Groundhog Century. 

Why doesn’t Alya report him for fraud, knowing he’s been withdrawing money from the business? Why have the police not investigated his previous form? There’s clearly a long way to go with this plot, but unless Geoff discovers a vaccine for Covid-19, feel free to keep hating him.

For the sake of Michael, Aggie has come around to the idea of his wanting to be with Grace and decides to play Cupid. 

Personally, I wouldn’t trust her to aim right with a toothpick, let alone a bow and arrow. I also think nothing short of jaw reconstructive surgery is ever going to put a smile on Grace’s face.

EMMERDALE: HOLY DISORDER

Cain watches over Moira (pictured) at her bedside, as he struggles with the thought that she might die from a hit-and-run in Emmerdale

Has anyone ever thought to rent a cottage to a driving instructor? Given the few vehicles on the road, Emmerdale has more than its fair share of traffic accidents.

Now, it’s Moira’s turn, the victim of a hit-and-run (which in these parts also refers to a pub argument) that has left her unconscious in hospital.

As Cain watches over her at her bedside, struggling with the thought that she might die, will this be the moment he realises she is the love of his life, and all will be rosy in the garden once more? It’s a tough one. 

People emerging from comas in soapland usually have no memory of their former lives; if only viewers’ memories could so easily be wiped, because this pair were never exactly Romeo and Juliet. 

But then again, they certainly have something – call it a spark, call it a nuclear bomb – and they really light up the screen as a couple.

Malone insists to Harriet that he had nothing to do with the hit-and-run, but then can you trust the word of a man who has flaunted the sins of the flesh on more than one occasion in the church? 

While we’re on the subject, how does Harriet manage to get dressed so quickly after their encounters, dog collar and all, while it takes Malone so long? Still, it’s good to see the church being put to good use; previous vicars found the place only at Christmas or when someone died. It’s outdone even the cricket pavilion as the hotbed of illicit liaisons.

EASTENDERS: SING A RAINBOW 

Callum kisses Whitney (pictured) as Walford celebrates Pride in an archived episode of EastEnders from last July 

The world has come a long way since the gay kiss between Colin and Guido that caused outrage in 1989 – 30 years on, in this week’s rerun episode from last July, Walford is celebrating Pride, with Callum, not yet ‘out’, kissing Whitney.

It’s also a chance to admire Keanu in a tiny vest that reveals his well-toned body. Karen is less appealing but entering into the spirit and keen to show support for gay daughter Bernadette. 

‘We’re goin’ somewhere over the rainbow, darlin’!’ she cries, enthusiastically. Bernadette looks as if she wants the rainbow to swallow her up. Come on, darlin’; where’s yer pride?!

 

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