از دکتر NerdLove بپرسید: چگونه می توانم از بودن در طول عمر فاکوت بهبود یابم؟


Illustration for article titled Ask Dr. NerdLove: How Do I Recover From Being A Lifelong Fuckup?

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Hello, all you Twitternet spooklets of sexcrime, and welcome to Ask Dr. NerdLove, the only advice column that helps you find real love in a virtual world.

This week, we’re solving the little glitches in the Matrix that’re keeping your relationship from being the perfect, leather-clad version you wish it were. How do you fix things when you’re getting ghosted on the regular? What does it mean when the sex dies shortly after you move in together? And how do you move on with your life when you’re haunted by the dating mistakes you made in college?

Strap on your Quests and Vives, clear out the furniture and dive into a digital world of amore. Let’s do this.

Doctor’s Note: today’s column includes discussion of suicide and a suicide attempt.

Dear Dr. NerdLove,

I’ve been reading your posts on Kotaku for a few years now. In that time I’ve dated, been in a long term relationship, had it go south and wind up back in the dating pool again. Since I’ve started dating again, I’ve encountered the same issue three times now, and I’m very curious to find out why.

About a year ago, I moved to Portland, OR after my breakup and almost immediately met a someone on Bumble. We went out after a few days of texting, and it was great. We shared a lot of nerdy interests, including MST3K, improv comedy, video games, you name it. Second date, even better, and before going home we made out in her car for half an hour. Third date, still good, I’m making her laugh, we are starting to share more intimate things about ourselves, but nothing too serious or red flaggy. We made out again and made plans to have a fourth date in a week. The day before we were supposed to meet, she sent me a text saying she doesn’t want to date anymore, theoretically anyone. I figure, okay, fair enough, that’s how it goes sometimes, wished her well, and moved on. Last I heard of her.

Now that alone isn’t so unusual, things happen, she had kids, she was a nurse, life gets busy. No biggie. I liked her a lot but thems the breaks.

Cut to a few months later. New connection on OKCupid. Another nerdy connection, this time about poetry and tea. Go out on a date almost immediately, her idea. We go out for tea, and turns out we wore almost the same outfit. We bonded over books and then moved to a bar and had a few whiskeys. I walk her back to her car and she kisses me, which I responded well to and we neck for a while. Then, we both decide to make plans for another date. I tell her goodnight and walk back to my car. I never hear from her again and she doesn’t respond to any texts.

“Huh?” I say. “That kinda sucks. She seemed great, and I thought she liked me. But thems the breaks sometimes,” and while it stung to get ghosted (is it ghosting after only one date?) I moved on. Well, I took a break from dating, actually, but then I moved on.

Now, just three weeks ago, another OKCupid match. This time we text for about two weeks before deciding it’s worth it to break social distancing and meet (I know, I know, we already fucked up there). We meet at the park (which had a lot more people than I expected), we have a picnic 6 feet apart, drink some wine, feed some ducks, walk around town, she shows me her old college campus, the date ends up being 8 hours. Since we had such a long leadup, we both expressed it felt more like a second date, and about halfway through, we sneak out onto a little trail and engage in some heavy petting like teenages at makeout point in the 1950s.

Great! this date went really well!. We continue to text for a week after that, every day, all day. We share some hopes for the future, which are quite similar, we bond over some bad times from the past we’ve both encountered. I’m getting way into her. She asked to come over on Saturday, I got all the fixing for chicken parm and some wine, everything was going great!

The day before, she texts. I’m really great but she isn’t going to continue this romantically. I ask why? Silence. I haven’t heard back in three day, and I think I expended my limit of good phone etiquette calling three times to no answer and about ten texts. So I give up. “Thems the break sometimes.” But that isn’t really something I am able to let go this time around. So now I’m analyzing it in my head over and over.

Result: sudden loss of interest. Is it a pattern: Yes. Common denominator: Me. Emotional conclusion: something is wrong with me or something better than me came along. Logical conclusion: I’m not good enough to stick with or to compete with another other options.

I invited my platonic friend Shannon over and had a friend date to make up for the cancelled one. She tells me that this is a them thing, not a me thing. A cultural thing, and generational thing (but these women were all within two years of me) and all the nice things friends tell you to make you feel better, but I don’t, I feel like shit.

So, I’m still gainfully employed, I’m kind, I’m creative, most people tell me I’m one of the funniest people they have ever met. I’m progressive, feminist, and try my best to behave in a kind manner all the time. I’m educated. I have empathy. I’m tall, I’m a little dad-bodied, but I wear it well, I’ve been told I’m handsome in a traditional sort of way, I’m in good health. I do get social anxiety, but usually only in groups of three or more, it didn’t really manifest to any of these folks. And I am a little worldweary, but I’m 39, who isn’t by my age.

And yet I’ve struck out three times in a row here with what seemed to be good matches that gave me every indication they were into me. The most recent had a total of three weeks we were in constant communication, all positive up until the moment she decided to leave earth because her home planet needed her or whatever reason or lack of reason she had.

But I don’t know. Do you have any insight into this? I mean, other than it’s all their fault, because regardless of whose fault it is, it still just sucks for me sitting here disappointed once again.

-Not Good Enough to Keep

I’m a big believer in doing some self-examination when you’re running into the same dating dilemmas over and over again, NGEK. Often if you keep having the same problem, then it’s likely there’s an issue that you’re missing, some x-factor that you aren’t quite aware of that’s cropping up in ways you don’t expect.

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Like I’m often saying: if you keep encountering the same glitch, start looking for the commonalities in all those instances. And yes, sometimes the only—or biggest—commonality is you.

But that doesn’t always mean that you are the problem, or that you’re coming away with the right conclusion.

Such is the case with you, chief. While yes, you’re one of the commonalities in all of these encounters, that doesn’t automatically mean that you’re the author of this particular misery… at least, not directly.

Part of the problem is, honestly, one of omission. One of the things that us relationship coach dating advice columnists aren’t supposed to say is that dating is a numbers game. We’re supposed to tell you to do X, Y and Z things correctly and you’ll be able to land any relationship you want with any woman you want. But in reality, that’s not going to work… primarily because people stubbornly insist on being individuals and not computer programs.

The truth is that starting a relationship requires three things: 1) the right person, 2) who is in the right place, and 3) at the right time. If those three things don’t line up, then it’s just not going to happen. You might meet someone who’s in the right place in her life to date, at a time when she’s ready, willing and actively looking… but you and she may simply not be compatible on some fundamental level. You might find someone who is so perfect for you that you may as well have created her from the ground up, but she’s about to move across the country, just left a long-term relationship or is in the middle of some sort of familial or financial crisis. It sucks… but as a wise man once said: it’s possible to make no errors and still lose; that’s not weakness, that’s life.

One of the realities of dating is that you’re going to meet folks who aren’t right for you or you won’t be right for them. That doesn’t mean there’s anything wrong with you, it just means that you two didn’t sync up the way you need to for a relationship to work. And yeah, sometimes it takes a few dates to figure this out. Sometimes we go on a date with someone who we kinda like but aren’t OH HOLY GOD excited about, so we give it a second or even third try just to be sure. Sometimes we’ll start off thinking that this person is sex on toast and you’re ready to throw caution to the wind… only to discover there’s something about them that you’re just not into. Maybe it’s the way they kiss or the way they taste. Maybe you have incompatible views on breakfast tacos. Who knows. Point is: it’s something that took a little time to realize and now that they (or you) are aware of it, it’s something that can’t be overlooked.

Now, it’d be great if they would say “hey, I don’t think this is going to work for me, best of luck to you” instead of just pulling the fade or ghosting, but unfortunately, that’s just part of dating. Always has been, it’s just that social media means we hear about it more now.

Similarly, it’d be nice if someone could say why they weren’t feeling it. But honestly: they may not know. And even if they did… you probably don’t want to know anyway. The least helpful thing you can do is take someone else’s personal preference and assume that this is a flaw in you instead of just not being their favorite flavor.

And just to get this out of the way: dating isn’t a competition. Nobody—except for sociopaths, anyway—keeps a spreadsheet tally of people’s points and decides who to date by who’s got the highest score. You’re not “competing” with other guys; you’re competing against a night alone. It’s not that she’s trying to decide between you and Dirk Chestmeat, it’s does she like you, period, or would she prefer a night at home with the Battery Operated Boyfriend and Too Hot To Handle on Netflix?

Trust me: if someone clicks with you, has a great time with you and feels connected to you, they’re not thinking “oh he’s not bad but I bet there’s someone even better…” they’re thinking “Wow, this guy’s great!”

So what do you do about all of this? Well, to start with, you try to manage expectations; a handful of dates doesn’t mean much in the grand scheme of things. Putting all of your emotional eggs in one basket after a date or two is a good way to end up getting needlessly hurt. It’s also why keeping your options open, continuing to match with other people, going on dates with other people and not focusing on any one person early on is a smarter plan. It may sting when someone you like doesn’t like you back, but having that abundance in your life helps you realize that they’re just someone you didn’t click with.

Even when those dates seem to go well, that doesn’t guarantee that it’s entirely reciprocal. Hell, even making out or agreeing to another date right then doesn’t guarantee anything; folks will often do both, with someone they don’t intend to see again. Sometimes it’s a way of making sure things end smoothly and without drama. Sometimes they’re cool with it for one date but don’t want to take it any further, and saying so just leads to long, uncomfortable—and occasionally dangerous—confrontations.

The next thing you do is focus on having great dates — dates that’re fun, unique and engaging. Fun is, hands down, the most attractive quality in a man; the more that somebody enjoys their time with you, the more they’re going to prioritize their relationship with you. Amazing conversation, making someone laugh, doing interesting and (physically) exciting things together all create that sense of “this person makes me feel great, I want to spend more time with them and keep feeling like this.”

The third thing you need to do is not work so hard trying to get the next date or the one after that. One of the things that people rarely realize is that if someone is into you, trying to spend time with them is easy. Someone who’s excited to be with you will try to see you; you won’t have to work at it (outside of external scheduling snafus, anyway). If trying to make plans or even get a hold of them is like pulling teeth… well, that’s generally a sign that they’re not feeling it.

Just as importantly, though: do the things that make your life worth living. Part of what makes someone a desirable partner is that they have a great life, one with passion and interests and things that satisfy the soul. The more that you love your own life, the more you’ll find people who’d be interested in being part of that life, especially when you do the things that you love that bring you in contact with other folks who also love those things, or love things that are related to it. Someone who has passion, ambition and direction also has certainty and confidence, incredibly important traits that others lack. Those all inform who you are as a person and—importantly—help bring you in contact with people who are compatible with you and your life.

Those are the folks who’ll be excited to see you and who’ll stick around.

Good luck.

Dear Dr. NerdLove,

My girlfriend is one of my very best friends. We’d known each other for about 5 years before we started dating. There had been very brief flings in the past, but she didn’t feel right about being in a relationship. She’d had several bad relationships in the past with emotionally unstable partners and, for a long time, I was dealing with the emotional baggage of a failed marriage. Admittedly, I was needy, and she couldn’t handle another partner who she needed to prop up. We still cared for each other and decided to stay friends, which we did quite successfully.

I’ve long dealt with anxiety and depression, but one day, I had an epiphany about self-care. I started to get my shit together. I began working out for my own health and well-being. I started to say ‘yes’ to things that made me anxious before. I have confidence that I found for myself. And thanks to my now GF, I got a job at her company that I love.

One night after hanging out with a group of friends, we opened up to each other. She told me that she has had feelings for me for a long time but didn’t know if I felt the same. I admitted to her that I’d never really stopped caring for her as more than a friend and we began seeing each other in earnest. It’s the purest sense of love I’ve ever had with another person. We would talk all night long, have great sex, and couldn’t get enough of each other.

We had about two months of this before the pandemic hit. Now we spend all of our time together in lockdown. We started having petty squabbles (I wouldn’t consider them arguments) and when I told her I thought the dynamic of our relationship had changed and wanted to fix it, it hit her like a ton of bricks. She hadn’t seen that there was a problem and now she was doubting the strength in us she formerly reveled in. Now things really have changed.

I’ve taken steps to earn that strength back by being vulnerable. By talking things out and really listening. By doing my best to have a positive attitude. But the intimacy in our love life has taken a sharp decline. The spontaneous nature of our sex life has come to a standstill, as has even making out. She still wants to hold my hand, or lean her head on my shoulder, but the nights of talking all night long have disappeared.

Before we were a couple, she would brag about her sexual escapades, showcased her collection of toys to me, and talked about the multi-partner experiences she had been involved with. But I’ve come to learn that she views herself as predominately asexual. She explained that sex with a partner becomes ‘A Whole Thing’, whereas with one-time encounters, it was purely physical. This feels like a 180, not only from the things she’s said in the past, but from how things were with us before I tried to discuss a perceived problem. Things have been this way for about the past eight weeks.

I find it very difficult to express myself in this situation. It’s not just the sex that is the issue, but more a lack of intimacy. I want to feel desired. I want to feel sexy. She becomes defensive when I bring it up, to the point where I’ve stopped trying.

So herein lies the issue. I’m aware that this is a stressful time for everyone. I’m aware that she’s had issues in the past with sex and trust. I’m aware that relationships ebb and flow. But I do not know how to talk to her about the way I feel. It seems like an issue she’s not interested in fixing and I’m unsure if I’m being paranoid, insecure, and over-analyzing.

I love her. I know she loves me. I still want us to have a future together. But I don’t know how to shake this feeling that perhaps she’ll never see me in the way she used to, and I don’t know how to deal with it. Help!


It’s true that sex and passion tends to fade over the course of the relationship, just by virtue of all of us being mammals. But fading to almost nothing within two months? That often means something happened. Sometimes it’s a case of “hey, we had a great physical connection, but not one that was enough to last more than the short term.” Other times, there’s been an external change—something outside of the relationship that cratered that person’s libido. That could be stress, a new medication or a crisis of some sort.

Fortunately, this one’s easy, ILBB. You say this has been an issue for the last eight weeks. What happened, oh, say, about eight or nine weeks ago that wasn’t in effect beforehand?

COVID-19. The lockdown. A global pandemic that’s infected more than a million Americans and killed nearly 100,000 people in the US alone. Even if you’re someone who’s in a fairly secure place in life—you still have a job, you’re financially secure, you’re not in danger of being evicted or being unable to pay your rent or mortgage—you’re still dealing with an unprecedented level of stress and concern. The spectre of a disease with no vaccine and no cure that spreads like wildfire and the effect it’s had on literally everything in our lives looms over everything we do like Banquo’s ghost.

That’s the sort of thing that fucks with people, often in ways they never expect. People are having a hard time sleeping or working or even just thinking. Productivity is down because oh, hey, we’re in a time of unprecedented crisis. All of our emotions are louder and harder to deal with because we all have such reduced bandwidth right now. And for a lot of folks, the pandemic and the lockdown is absolutely cratering their libidos.

I strongly suspect that this is the case with your girlfriend. She feels profoundly unsexy and unsexual because… well, **gestures at everything**. The problem is that it’s hard to really explain that in a way that doesn’t seem shallow. It’s a little hard to say “Hey, the current state of everything is fucking with my head in a profound way” without sounding like you ALSO think that you can’t really get hornt up because the stars aren’t right. And, in fairness: she may not know why, specifically, she feels like this, just that she does. And when you bring it up, you end up making her feel like she’s failing at being a girlfriend right now, which is only going to make her feel defensive and upset and even LESS like fucking.

Now, let me be clear: your feeling rejected is understandable. Wanting to feel desired by your partner is valid, as is being disappointed that things seem to have changed. So is the frustration of feeling like “we had this amazing physical connection, now it’s gone and I don’t know why.”

The thing you’re running into here is the conflict between the understandable and valid desire for physical intimacy with the whammy that this crisis is putting on… well, pretty much everyone. And unfortunately, there isn’t much to be done in this case besides gritting your teeth and realizing that this isn’t about you, it’s about what stress, anxiety and, y’know, everything, is doing to people.

But the fact that she isn’t feeling sexual doesn’t mean that she doesn’t want to be intimate with you.

Notice how she still wants to cuddle and be held? That’s because she, like you, still craves intimacy and contact. And you should be giving that to one another. But the more you push her for sex or about why she doesn’t want to have it, the more she’s going to shut down.

So what you need to do is simple: you need to tell her that you understand. Tell her “Hey, we’re in a weird place right now and the world’s in chaos and we’re all stressed and I don’t want to add to that. So for now, let’s cuddle, let’s hold each other and when you’re feeling like more, you let me know. Until then, it’s all good.”

On your end of things: you need to realize that this isn’t about you, it’s about her reaction to a unique situation. She wants to be intimate, but she can’t do so in the ways that you want right now, and that’s going to be more important in the long run. For now, be the point of human connection that she needs. Hug, cuddle and just be. Knowing that you’re her rock that she can cling to at this time will mean everything. Meanwhile, get yourself a Fleshlight or a Tenga and some lube to keep yourself satisfied. It won’t be the same, but it’ll do the job while we all grit our teeth and white-knuckle our way through the crisis.

Because this WILL pass and we (and she and you) WILL feel normal again. Giving her space to feel the fuck out of her feels without feeling like she’s doing something wrong will do far more to get her to a place where she feels like having sex again than any amount of trying to analyze things and trying to get there before she’s got the emotional space for it.

Good luck.

Dr. NerdLove,

Got a doozy for you. I am a severe fuck up. And now I need to know, what is the path forward? What does the future hold?

So some context. I’m 36. Way back when I was 16 my military family moved (again) and this time to the Midwest. In the new Midwest town I moved to I ended up meeting a girl who became my world. First everything. While we dated we finished the last two years of high school (3/4th of which at schools an hour apart but we had new drivers licenses) and then going into college. She went to a college an hour away from mine. She always knew the school and major she wanted even at 16. I just wanted to be near her. I was 16, had a car, making 3.0 gpa, and a girlfriend… so as far as I was concerned my life was pretty much set. Again, fuck up. I didn’t know what I wanted to do with my life. But my college had a program in biology, in computers, and in art and all were a possibility. Being an hour away was a definite plus to my happy little world.

Well college opens you up to a lot of new people. And while I was content in my pretty monolithic social circle, she wasn’t. Her social group at her college an hour away changed. That social group didn’t like me. And it wasn’t long before that social group was getting conversations I wasn’t, and was getting more influence than I was. Obviously a split happened.

When the split happened, it totally hit me out of left field though all of her friends at the time said it shouldn’t have. When the split happened my little world crashed and suddenly I was very alone in a place I had no idea what I was doing in. No future outlook. It didn’t help that at that time several other stressors crashed down. Tried to mediate a giant SNAFU between an artist and his model, suddenly failing a class which was not acceptable, and now this.

A month after the split I was having panic attacks, not eating, not sleeping, and grasping at straws frantically trying to get some sense of normalcy. I ended up during that month continuously reaching out to one of those new friends whom I hated dearly but felt I had to in order to regain some normalcy. The guy increasingly told me to stay away, put things “on the back burner”, “nothing is happening”, “just let it be”, “you’ll get past this”. He and some of the other new friends were also increasingly telling me this was my fault, that I was somehow a monster, or abusive, and that I just wasn’t listening. All horrifying concepts.

At the end of the month she decided to let me know she and this dude had been dating a month and just weren’t letting me know. There wasn’t overlap, but basically within days of the breakup they were a thing. Between this, and all the monster talk and talk of it all being my fault, for the first time in a month I had a moment of pure calm and clarity. Something that actually felt like it made sense. If it was my fault, if I was somehow a monster, and if I cared at all for her, then I needed to ensure she never feared that monster again. So in true fuck up fashion I went out to the middle of nowhere and downed bleach. Again, I’m a fuck up. While this was a colossally stupid choice of over compensation and inappropriate action, at the time I felt like I was stepping up. I was 20, inexperienced, and I thought I was making the biggest choice of my life and doing something bigger than myself to “save” someone I cared about if even from myself. Again, at 36 it was massively stupid and overly correcting. At 20 things looked very different.

Obviously I fucked up at fucking up as I’m still breathing today. That action makes you puke a lot of blood but doesn’t kill you right away, if at al ل کاری که انجام می دهد تغییر زندگی شماست. من تمام دوستانم را گم کردم. او و دوستان جدیدش فوراً صحبت با من را متوقف کردند. گفتن من یک هیولا دستکاری شده و به دنبال توجه بودم. من از دانشگاه بیرون رانده شدم ، در بیمارستان بستری شدم ، مجبور شدم داروها را بگیرم و اساساً منزوی باشم. مهم نیست که زندگی چقدر بد باشد ، من یاد گرفتم که همیشه می تواند بدتر شود. strong>

برای رسیدن به خانه چند هفته طول کشید. یک سال دیگر طول کشید تا دوباره به آن دانشکده برگردیم. سالی که درگیر بلعیدن غرور من ، معامله با پزشکان و معاونین و فقط انجام کارهایی است که من لعنتی کردم. پس از بازگشت به مدرسه ، من فارغ التحصیل مدرک ، کلاس خودم شدم ، و در پایان بلافاصله دارو را ترک کردم. اما من دو سال گذشته دانشگاه را تنها گذراندم. زندگی بسیار متنفر است و بیشتر مردم نمی خواستند در کنار من باشند. بالاتر از آن bf جدید به مدرسه من تغییر کرده بود. و او از من متنفر بود. من به دلیل مشروط شدن به پایان رسیدم که من به ملاقات یک هم اتاقی قدیمی که در کنار او زندگی می کرد به پایان رسیدم و او یک وب کم داشت که به سوراخ برافروختن درب خود به بیرون راهرو ضبط شده بود ، ادامه دادم تا شکایت کنم که نزدیک درب او بود strong> >

از آن زمان زمان سرعت می یابد و شکاف ها را مرتب می کند. در پایان او فارغ التحصیل می شود ، شغل رؤیایی را در یک کشور دیگر می گیرد ، پس از مدت کوتاهی ، bf جدید می آید ، آنها شکسته می شوند ، او به پایان می رسد با یک پسر در WoW که او را از یک کشور جنوبی نقل مکان می کند ، ملاقات می کند ، سپس ازدواج می کند و 2 سال بعد طلاق می گیرد. . در پایان با بازگشت به حالت خانه خود ، شغل و بازگشت به ریشه های هنری و اتومبیل های خود بازگردید. یک زن موفق باید هرکسی را با غرور پر کند. گرچه او تا آنجا که من می دانم تنها است. strong>

من فارغ التحصیل شدم ، در آخرین بازرسی Target من به یک کشور غربی منتقل شد (بنابراین در کنار هیچ چیز). به دلیل مدرک من و با توجه به این واقعیت که همه افراد در میانه غربی از من متنفر بودند و به من می گفتند که باید تا آنجا که ممکن است از او دور شوم فرصتی برای حرکت به سمت غرب به نظر می رسید مانند انتخاب اخلاقی است. در حالی که در خارج از غرب بودم چندین کار انجام دادم. برخی سودآورتر یا جالب تر از سایرین. من جان سالم به در. من حتی به طور مختصر به ملاقات خاتمه دادم اما نتیجه ای حاصل نشد. من هرگز نتوانستم همین ارتباط انسانی را با دیگری که قبلاً داشتم شکل دهم. در 26 سالگی ، دوباره تاریخ ندارم. چیزهای کوچک و دارویی را امتحان کنید ، هیچکدام از اینها هرگز احساس بهتری به من ندادند و صحبت کردن معمولاً منجر به این می شود که کسی به من بگوید من به دلایلی یک شخص وحشتناک هستم. strong>

اکنون من هستم. متر 36. من حتی فراتر از غرب هستم. من حرفه ای ، مسئولیت پذیری ، ثبات مالی بیشتری نسبت به آنچه که تاکنون دیده ام ، دارم. و حتی حاشیه ای براساس مدرک من است. هرگز دستگیر نشده ، هرگز به مواد مخدر نرسیده ، خوب بوده است که همه را تنها بگذارند و فقط به آنها اجازه دهند زندگی خود را بگذرانند. من تاریخ ندارم ، دوست ندارم. کار می کنم ، خانه ، می خوابم ، تکرار می کنم. در روزهای تعطیل خواب بیشتری را فرض کنید. بین همه چیزهایی که در ساعت 20 تا امروز از هم جدا می شوند ، بخش اعظم زندگی بزرگسالانم را به تنهایی گذرانده ام. من زنده مانده ام ، اما نمی توانم بگویم که از آن لذت بردم یا با هدف و برنامه ریزی زیادی انجام داده ام. من هر کاری را انجام می دهم فکر می کنم جامعه می خواهد من را انجام دهد. اگر به ذهنیت شما کمک کند ، تمام این جداسازی COVID در اکثر زندگی من واقعیت بوده است. strong>

اما تا آنجا که من یک چیز را می دانم تا به حال احساس خوشبختی یا حتی کاملی برای آن موضوع داشته باشم ، هم اکنون در جایی در آن ایالت میانه غربی نشسته است یا از تنفس من متنفر شده و یا به طرز دیگری از وجود من غافل است. strong>

بنابراین چیست راه پیش رو؟ آینده چه چیزی را حفظ می کند؟ از آنجا که من زندگی را تغییر نمی دهم. احساس گیر کردم. من می دانم آنچه فکر می کنم حقیقت ساده است که من نیمی از عمرم را می شناسم. اما من همچنین راهی برای تحقق آن نمی بینم. آنچه شما در تلویزیون و واقعیت می بینید بسیار متفاوت هستند و واقعیت رک و پوست کنده بسیار کمتر شاعرانه است. خوشبختانه ، پس از این اتفاق نمی افتد. بنابراین چطور می توانم 40 سال دیگر انزوا را تحمل کنم؟ strong>

با احترام ، strong>

به آرامی دیوانه می شوید strong> p >

پسر هو. font> این خیلی از کارهایی است که شما در اینجا انجام می دهید. یکی از اشتباهاتی که مردم انجام می دهند این است که همه ما تصور می کنیم ناظران بی رحمانه و کاملاً عینی از جان خودمان هستیم اما چنین نیستیم. همه ما تعصبات و اعتقاداتی داریم که درک ما را رنگ می کند و باعث می شود خودمان داستانهایی را که صحیح نیستند به خودمان بگوییم. و سپس تعصب در تأیید شروع می شود و فقط به مواردی توجه می کنید که احساس می کنید آنچه را که قبلاً به آن اعتقاد دارید تأیید می شود و مواردی را که باعث نارضایتی آن می شود نادیده می گیرید. p>

شما خودتان روایتی را در مورد چگونگی شما ایجاد کرده اید. هیولا و لعنتی وقتی که چه کسی هستی ، یک پسر بسیار دردناک است و به خوبی با آن برخورد نکرده است. شما در یک حلقه خود تخریبی قرار دارید و تصمیم گرفتید که افتضاح و وحشتناک هستید و هیچ کاری که انجام دهید هرگز درست یا به اندازه کافی خوب نخواهد بود ، و این درست نیست. p>

بزرگترین مسئله این است که شما درام های نوجوان و دانشکده را گرفته اید و آن را درون یک فاجعه یونانی قرار داده اید. p>

اجازه دهید من آنچه را که واقعاً واقعاً اتفاق افتاده است ، طی کنم: شما و دوست دخترتان از هم جدا شدیم مانند اکثر زوجها بعد از دبیرستان بخش عمده ای از روابط دبیرستان اندکی پس از فارغ التحصیلی پایان می یابد. از میان کسانی که نمی کنند ، اکثر افراد em> در سال اول کالج به پایان می رسند. این امر به این دلیل است که شما در هر دو مکان مختلف – از نظر عاطفی و توسعه ، اغلب از نظر جسمی – و در جهات مختلف رشد می کنید. شما گروه های مختلف اجتماعی ، تجربیات مختلف و زندگی متفاوت دارید. شما سعی در چیزهای جدید دارید ، با افراد جدید ملاقات می کنید و کشف می کنید که چه کسی هستید … و این بدان معنی است که رابطه ای که برای شما کار می کرد در حالی که شما در دبیرستان بودید دیگر برای کسی که اکنون هستید کار نمی کند. / a>

شما و دوست دخترتان تنها یک ساعت از هم فاصله داشتید اما جهان از هم فاصله دارید ، بنابراین جای تعجب ندارد که شما شروع به رشد از هم کرده اید. نه به این دلیل که شما اشتباهی مرتکب شده اید ، بلکه به این دلیل زندگی ادامه می یابد. شما ممکن است با گروه جدیدی از دوستان او متناسب نباشید. این تقصیر شما نیست او با آنها نزدیکتر شد زیرا ، سلام ، این کسی است که او وقت خود را با او می گذراند. همچنین تقصیر شما نیست. اینطور نیست که آنها بر او تأثیر گذاشتند و یا او را در متنفر ساختن از شما متنفر کردند ، فقط این است که شما و او در حال تبدیل شدن به افراد مختلفی بودیم ، افرادی که دیگر سازگار نبودند. p>

اکنون این شکاف به سختی به شما ضربه زد ، این قابل درک است. شکستن یو پی اس تقریباً همیشه می خورد. مشکلی که شما داشتید این است که شما تمام دنیای خود را در حدود نیمی از این زوج مستقر کرده اید و ظاهراً زندگی زیادی در خارج از آن ندارید. بنابراین اکنون سنگ اصلی زندگی شما از بین رفته است و در حال شکوفا هستید. این مایه تاسف است ، اما جای تعجب آور نیست. این همچنین em> به معنای این نیست که شما فردی لعنتی هستید یا این که هرگونه عادی را در حالت عادی نابود کرده اید. شما فقط به طور ناگهانی با شرایطی که آماده نبودید برخورد کرده اید. p>

اکنون ، دوستان سابق شما به احتمال زیاد هیچکدام از اینها را نمی دانند و ، بی پرده بودن ، این وظیفه آنها نیست که بدانند. برای آنها ، شما به احتمال زیاد به عنوان کسی برخورد کرده اید که نمی تواند قبول کند همه چیز تمام شده است و در تلاش بود تا سابق شما را برای بازگشت دوباره دستکاری کند. آنها نمی دانند که شما در حال سقوط هستید. همچنین تقریباً به وضوح مشخص بود که شما از آنها متنفر هستید … و با این وجود دائماً در تلاش بودید که از آنها و سابق خود دستگیر شوید. بنابراین آنها احتمالاً به که پاسخ دادند. مردم معمولاً نسبت به احساساتی که مردم به آنها می فرستند واکنش نشان می دهند. اگر کسی که به وضوح از شما متنفر است ، دائماً مطالبات وقت خود را مطرح می کند ، به احتمال زیاد پاسخ منفی خواهید داد. p>

اکنون نمی دانم که آیا آنها به شما می گفتند که شما یک نفر هستید هیولا و سوءاستفاده یا این تعبیر شما پس از موقت از چیزهایی است ، به روشی که در آن زمان احساس می کردید و به وضوح اکنون احساس می کنید. اما بدون در نظر گرفتن: کار بهتری برای انجام این کار به از خدمات درمانی روانی خود که دانشگاه برای شما ارائه کرده است بهره مند شوید . شما نکردید قضاوت نکنید ، فقط مشاهده کنید. p>

به یک ناظر بیرونی – خصوصاً کسی که قبلاً نظر منفی در مورد شما داشته است – تلاش خودکشی شما به خوبی می توانست مانند تلاش برای تحریک درام و بازگرداندن سابق شما باشد. آنها نمی دانستند که شما دردی شدید هستید و هنوز هم هستید. بنابراین آنها همچنان به بدترین حالت ممکن چیزها را می دیدند … درست همانطور که شما انجام می دهید. p>

و از آنجا … خوب ، به قول شما ، همه چیز شکسته می شود. شما راه خود را ، پیش خود رفت. و صادقانه؟ من می توانم همه را تضمین کنم که شما بیشتر از آنچه فکر می کند در مورد او فکر می کنید در مورد او فکر می کنید. نه به این دلیل که او در نادانی سعادتمند زندگی می کند و نمی تواند کمتر به شما اهمیت دهد ، بلکه به این دلیل است که شما هنوز در آن دوره زندگی می کنید و او به این سمت ادامه داده است. شما درختی هستید که در اطراف این چیز رشد می کند و باعث درد شما می شود و آن را جزئی از هویت خود قرار داده اید. تعجب آور نیست که درمانی برای شما مؤثر نبوده است. من به شدت مشکوک هستم که شما نمی توانید گزارش دقیقی از آنچه اتفاق افتاده است ، و همچنین فکر نمی کنم وقتی پزشکان شما به شما می گویند واقعاً به آنها گوش می دهید که ممکن است در مورد کارها اشتباه کنید. شما به این نفس گیر خود می چسبید زیرا معتقد هستید که آن را سزاوار آن هستید و نمی خواهید از این امر رها شوید زیرا به خاطر گناهان خیالی خود به اندازه کافی مجازات نکرده اید. p>

و چیزهایی که درباره آنها توصیف می کنید زندگی تو الان؟ خوب … از تجربه عمیق و شخصی صحبت می کنید ، شما با افسردگی مزمن روبرو هستید ، که فقط اوضاع را بدتر می کند. شما قبلاً این باور عمیق را به ذهن شما خطاب کرده بودید که شما یک مرد لعنتی هستید که لیاقت چیزهای خوب و را ندارید. این صدا را که در گوش خود زمزمه می کنید درباره چگونگی هرگز بودن نیستید. به اندازه کافی خوب و چگونه همه تقصیر شماست و همه چیز بی معنی است. و این صدای صدای شما em> را زمزمه می کند ، که اعتقاد را آسان تر می کند و نادیده گرفتن آن دشوارتر است. p>

اما افسردگی یک دروغگو است. این بدترین چیزها را تکرار می کند زیرا شما از قبل به آنها ایمان دارید. این خواسته و انگیزه شما را از بین می برد زیرا هیچ نکته ای وجود ندارد. و این باعث می شود که شما در گذشته ریشه داشته باشید زیرا این همه اشتباهات شما نهفته است. شما هنوز هم آنها را احساس می کنید ، هنوز با این زندگی کنید ، زیرا اجازه نخواهید داد که آنها بروند. این 2020 است و شما هنوز هم در سال 2004 زندگی می کنید. به کار بردن مواردی مانند Zoloft یا Wellbutrin می تواند علائم افسردگی را به اندازه کافی کاهش دهد که در واقع درمانی می تواند به شما کمک کند.

و ممکن است چند تلاش انجام شود ، هم برای یافتن دوز و دارویی که موثر باشد ، بلکه درمانی را که می توانید با آن کار کنید پیدا کنید. درمان بسیار شبیه به دوستیابی است. اگر شما می خواهید همه کارها را انجام دهید ، شما و درمانگر خود باید سازگار باشید و از یک نوع شیمی مناسب استفاده کنید. اگر احساس می کنید که درمانگر برای شما اشتباه است یا گوش نمی دهید ، می می توانید با آنها اختلاف برقرار کرده و به روش دیگری بروید. اگر دارو بعد از چند ماه کار نمی کند ، یا عوارض جانبی دارد که به راحتی نمی توانید تحمل کنید یا نمی توانید آن را تحمل کنید ، می توانید را بخواهید که روی چیز دیگری باشید.

اما کار بعدی و احتمالاً مهمترین کاری که باید انجام دهید این است که باید خودتان را ببخشید. شما باید خودتان را بخاطر دوست داشتن نه چندان عاقل بلکه بلکه خیلی خوب ببخشید. شما باید خود را بخاطر نوجوان بودن ببخشید ، با همه نوسانات عاطفی که با آن همراه است. شما باید خود را به خاطر وحشت در زمانی که متوجه شدید گم شده و بزرگتر شده اید ، ببخشید. شما باید مانند همه افراد خود را به خاطر اشتباه ببخشید. p>

و بیش از هر چیز دیگر ، باید خود را به خاطر صدمه ای که به شما وارد کرده است ببخشید. نه به دوستان سابق یا همکلاسی ها یا همکلاسی هایتان… بلکه برای اینکه خود را انتخاب کنید]. رها کردن از درد ، به ویژه دردی که به خودتان می دهید کار سختی است. اگر این کار را کردید ، پس این همه چی بود؟ اگر شما مستحق مجازات نیستید ، پس آیا این بدان معنی است که شما خود را عقب نگه داشته اید ، خود را به خاطر دلیلی بر روح خود فرو می کنید؟ آیا شما تمام آن زمان را گذرانده اید ، تمام آن ساعت ها و روزها را از دست داده اید ، زیرا nothing؟

بله ، این کار را کردید. به همین دلیل است که باید خود را ببخشید. شما نمی دانید چه کاری انجام می دهید یا چرا ، اما شما هنوز هم این کار را می کردید. و اکنون وقت آن رسیده است که آن را بپذیریم ، آن را متوقف کنید و روند بهبودی را شروع کنید. p>

شما به این درد از دست دادید ، زمانی که دیگر برنخواهید گشت. اما ادامه صدمه زدن به خودتان پاسخی نیست. پاسخ این است که سرانجام این فشار را بر دوش خود قرار دهید ، خود را ببخشید ، بگذارید زخمها بهبود یابد و به جلو بروید em>. شما خیلی طولانی در تاریکی گذرانده اید و اکنون زمان آن رسیده است که چراغ را روشن کنید. شما زمان درد خود را گم کرده اید … اما تمام زندگی خود را قبل از زندگی دارید. p>

و بهترین راه برای بهبود گذشته خود این است که از آن درس بگیرید و بگذارید برو زمان آن رسیده است که زندگی em> را در زمان حال خود شروع کرده و آینده ای بهتر را بسازید. شما لعنتی نیستید ، شما فقط مردی هستید که خیلی طولانی خیلی طولانی نگهش نمی دارد و زمان آن است که این درد را رها کنید. p>

خوب خواهید بود. قول میدهم. شما این قدرت را دارید که با خودتان مهربان باشید و شجاعت خود را شفا دهید. زندگی به محض ترک این کار بهتر می شود. p>

همه خوب خواهند شد. p>

آیا رابطه کالج شما از هم پاشید؟ آیا زندگی جنسی شما تحت فشار قرار گرفته است؟ داستان خود را در نظرات زیر به اشتراک بگذارید و ما طی دو هفته با سوالات شما بیشتر خواهیم شد. em>

از دکتر NerdLove بپرسید ستون دوستیابی دو هفته ای Kotaku است ، که به میزبانی یک و تنها هریس ممللی ، یک و تنها ، AKA Dr. NerdLove. سوالی را که دوست دارید جواب دهید ، گرفتید؟ doc@doctornerdlove.com و” Kotaku “را در خط موضوع قرار دهيد.

هریس اومالی نویسنده و مربی دوست یابی است که در وبلاگ خود توصیه های مربوط به دوست یابی را ارائه می دهد صفحه بندی دکتر NerdLove و دکتر کانال YouTube NerdLove . راهنمای آشنایی جدید او بازی جدید : راهنمای Geek برای عشق ، رابطه جنسی و دوستانه em> اکنون از Amazon ، iTunes و همه جا کتابهای خوب فروخته می شوند . او همچنین میهمان معمولی در یکی از ما .

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